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An assortment of things that make me smile:
I can’t believe March is almost over already! It was a very full month and I hope to capture most of what I got up to here. I’ll probably forget a few things, but not because they weren’t fun. Just because I’m old.
The highlight of March for me was spending a long weekend in Philadelphia with family. It’s always a fun time and this was no different. We spent time eating, shopping at anime stores, eating, having quality conversations about anime, eating, deciding which anime I’ll watch next, and eating. Oh, did I mention eating? I think I’ll be doing salads for the rest of the month. Fortunately, that’s just a few more days.
The weekend prior, I went to Toronto Comicon. It was my first one since moving back to the city, and it was a lot of fun. Was amazing to see all the cosplay, a lot of which I recognized. I thought it was wonderful for so many younger people, and a lot of them queer youth, to have events like this where they can meet and bond over their favourite things. I wonder what my early life would’ve been like if I was part of such a large and accepting community. I’m still kind of looking for my people, but 51 year old gay anime fans in Toronto are a rare breed.
I also visited the AGO to see the Keith Haring exhibit, which I’ve already written about. I ended up having a really nice chat with a friend about it. Actually, a couple of conversations with a couple of friends. It’s always interesting to me to learn about other people’s perspectives on the world, especially when it comes to queer culture and personal history. I’ve been meeting a lot of new friends in person and online recently and it’s comforting to be able to talk to them about these sorts of things. Maybe texting across geographies and generations is the new version of community? It doesn’t replace chats in coffee shops, but it’s nice.
I went to see Dune 2 with a fascinating friend. Such an excellent film and a great day out. There were a couple of brunches, which isn’t the sort of thing I normally do, but a good time nevertheless. Some talk about a potential fun Christmas vacation. Maybe a road trip to Chicago in the summer. And a visit from a friend in the PNW. Maybe a trip out there myself?
March was a fun month. I don’t have a lot planned for April, but maybe it’ll be a chance for me to lean into serendipity and surprise. I don’t always have to have plans buttoned down weeks in advance to have fun. If you are still reading, stay tuned for more!
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Twelve things that make me smile:
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A few days ago, I went to the Art Gallery of Ontario to see the Keith Haring retrospective ‘Art is for Everybody‘. The show was beautifully uplifting for me and it brought a lot of memories and feelings to the surface.
I came of age in the early 90s but the late 80s always fascinated me. I was in high school at the time, but, to me, they were a time of such vibrance and creativity. A colourful time where people lived in excess. You can hear it in the music and, thanks to talents like Keith, you can see it in the art. The street was where life happened. Untethered by pixels behind glass like today, people actually had to go out to talk to each other. There was no fear. No shame. Just music, energy, and the night. It scared me that people could be that free, but (as a kid going to school in a uniform in suburban Toronto) I also found it so fucking exciting.
But I also knew that freedom didn’t come without risk. The 80s were a dark time for the queer community, and that was at the forefront of my mind at the show. It was a central them to Keith’s later works. I remember when HIV was a pandemic and ripped viciously through communities. I was neither ‘out’ nor ‘active’, but I wasn’t immune to the loss of friends and loved ones. It was a scary time. And maybe that feeling of not knowing if you were going to see the end of the decade spurred on the exuberance and excess. The boundless self expression. That freedom and life could be born out of tragedy and death really connected with me. And it hit me hard.
Last year, I was dealing with great personal loss that brought about a lot of change in my life. I realized in a very real way that life is too fucking short to live afraid. Too fucking short to live according to someone else’s rules or expectations. But even in the depths of despair, there is light. And celebration.
Keith Haring’s art brought so much emotion out in me. As he famously said, “Art should be something that liberates your soul, provokes the imagination, and encourages people to go further.” In my own life, I have recently been inspired to go further. I don’t know where I will ultimately end up on my journey of self acceptance and self liberation, but I have already come so far and love where I am now. And I’m not wasting one more moment of the life I have been given in fear. It may not be the 80s anymore, but it’s definitely time to shine.
“The most important thing in life is to remember the importance of life.”
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In my attempt to break boundaries and make new friends, I’ve decided to try the gay bear social network app Growlr. I’ve never used an app like this before, so I’m apprehensive but also intrigued. And, as a trained scientist, I’m approaching this as I do everything in life, as an experiment. I’ve set boundaries for communication and testing a hypothesis. And, here’s the fun part, I’ll be recording and analyzing my findings here.
I chose Growlr because they describe themselves as a ‘safe and accepting community where the bear community is embraced and encouraged to be authentic’. Well, that sounds lovely. But let’s be real, gays are a judgy sort and bears in particular can be very exclusionary. Still, I’m going into this experiment with an open mind and an open heart. I can’t be anything other than my honest self. Let’s see if that’s good enough for Growlr.
So far, I’ve created a profile, indicated that I’m looking for friends, filled in a basic description of my personality and hobbies, stated my age, and uploaded a selfie. It’s a cute one too. Again, I’m not here to deceive or misrepresent. I’m a 51 year old nerd, proudly so, and that’s exactly what my profile states.
I’m not exactly sure how it works now. I already have had 5 views and 6 messages, most of them pics. I’m a little afraid to open them because I’m not ready for unsolicited penis. I guess I will have to address that sooner or later, but I think for now, getting my profile sorted is enough of a start.
This could lead to more local friends or it could lead to nothing. I’ll keep at it as long as it remains fun. Wish me luck on my journey and, if you see me on the app, no you didn’t.
February was a short month, but it was also a fun month. I feel my life getting to a better place than it has been in almost a year as I start to build solid friendships with good people. I can confidently say that I have local friends here in Toronto, but also wonderful not-so-local friends I keep up with through texts and social media. Sure, I wish they were closer, but extolling the blessings and curses of long distance friendships is a topic for another post.
The month started with an evening out to a drag bar I hadn’t been to in about 20 years. The nostalgia was real. It was a lot of fun getting back in touch with venues and memories from my youth with people I probably bumped into then but didn’t know until now.
A week later, I was finally able to invite a friend over for a night of dinner and Drag Race. The first time I’ve had someone over since moving back to Toronto, but definitely not the last. In fact, I had a couple of other friends over just a few days ago. I love hosting and I hope to do more of it. My home, and my heart, is always open.
This month, my husband and I took a short trip to Los Angeles. We went to Universal Hollywood to see the newly opened Nintendo World. It was raining, as luck would have it, but it didn’t diminish my fun. We spent the rest of the week doing cheesy tourist things. On our last night, we went to a fun bear event where I met a group of fantastic local guys. Getting out and being social was a definite confidence boost for me and even a week later, I’m still feeling really happy with myself.
Although not technically February, at the end of this week, I’ll be meeting up with friends for a local Toronto bear event I’ve wanted to go to for a while. Should be fun, and I hope to meet more people there.
It was a good month, I think, with more up days than down. This year is already a big improvement from last. I can’t wait to see what adventure the dawning of spring brings next month. Stay tuned!
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Today I am the mountain
Challenged and changed by my friend, the waterfall
Who washes over me
And carves an indelible mark on my heart
As I type this, I am sat at my new desk in my recently refurbished home office. It’s a large room with a lot of natural light and space for all the things that make me happy. I’d still like some shelves for games and Lego, but regardless, it’s quickly becoming my favourite place in my house. And I didn’t think I would ever be sitting here typing that right now.
This room has history. It used to be my mother’s bedroom. It was the room she got sick in. The room we took care of her in. The room she spent the last days of her life in. And for a long time, the room was full of pain and sadness for me. It was a room I couldn’t cope with. When she passed, I closed the door and tried to forget the room existed.
Bus slowly I began to realize that’s not what she would’ve wanted. She was a selfless and nurturing person. I wish I could be even a fraction of the person she was. As fearless and strong.
So last week, mustering all the courage I have, I opened the door. Stepped inside. Took a calming breath. Then opened the blinds.
It was a particularly sunny day and, as the blinds opened, rays of light began to completely transform the room. With the healing warmth of the sun touching my face, I assembled my desk and set up my computer. There’s a couch and a TV in here now, with an exercise mat and weights. I just hung some pictures on the wall yesterday. Daft Punk and One Piece.
I’ve been in this room for about a week and have already started to make some positive memories here. I’ve invited a friend in, albeit virtually. Had some great feedback from my manager, who could see the new room via Teams. Brought a dying plant back to life with love an attention.
There are other rooms in the house that need some work. But the most difficult step has been taken, and now I can happily say my door is open.
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Nine reasons why I’m smiling today:
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my exquisite doll
stitching this raggedy old
man back together
💛